Permeable

It may seem obvious, but really, where do our bodies end? With our skin? Our breath escaping for a few inches and then becoming part of the air around us? Was that air that we borrowed for our breath part of our body for a second or two? Does this energy I capture from sun’s rays into my garden bed, into my plants, into my mouth, into my stomach, feeding me? Or is it feeding the microorganisms swimming around inside by belly? Are those rays not part of my body? Where does the edge lie? Physics tells me that the atoms making up the contents of my body’s largest organ, my skin, the leaves in my canopy that acquire my vitamin D, my own antidepressant photosynthesis, bind together to repel the outside. But look closely at the tiny perforations, entryways of acceptance. I carry the fragrance of campfire or sweat or other bodies, which changes as I wear it.

Under the overpass of the 405 bridge there is a hillside made almost entirely of ivy. This interruption of the pavement is something of a willful resistance, a shutting out of the “natural” world. In these in-between places, disruption by invasive plants and animals takes over. It reminds us who’s really in charge. The breeze falls down from the passing semi trucks, fluttering the waxy deepgreen leaves like the rippling surface of a lake.  A few dandelions manage to interrupt the wall of ivy with their sunny smiling flowers, unknowingly they propagate more and more. At this site, where once there may have been ferns and moss at the feet of ancient evergreen, Doug Fir, Western Red Cedar, there is a boundary in layers. Man made, political, invented. Invisible to the prolific sparrow stowaways on English ships that carried them here hundreds of years ago. They don’t know boundaries. Just the same, the doctors in scrubs, and nervous families of hospital patients pouring out of streetcars, smokers in the rain shadow of the bridge, pay no mind to why there is greenery there, in spite of this temperate rain misting the pavement, but not the sheltered plants.

Moving Toward Liberated Relationships

I recently contributed to a project called Let's Talk About Sexual Healing with friend and colleague, Renee Sills. The project included public panel discussions, workshops, online participation, exhibitions and a print magazine. The two of us worked together on an article for the magazine. I re-read the work this afternoon in preparing for a workshop on nonmonogamy, it felt important to publish this portion as I make more and more public work on these subjects.

The full PDF is available by contacting Renee Sills via her site reneesills.com. 

Here is the excerpt of my contribution, MOVING TOWARDS LIBERATED RELATIONSHIPS, co-authored by me and Renee Sills.

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AS ARTISTS who are both personally and professionally invested in examining relationships, intimacy, and vulnerability, we have spent a considerable amount of time talking with each other about how to create space for more meaningful exchange around sex, sexuality, and sensuality. For us, the value of having these kinds of conversations is extensive: we have experienced, both personally and in our communities, the relief and liberation that often accompanies “coming out,” and know firsthand how psychologically damaging it can be to live in secrecy and shame. We’ve also both spent years, if not decades, developing the capacity and language to speak about our own sexual and intimate needs, and have recognized that when we are able to articulate and share those needs with our partners, it leads almost immediately to an increased sense of trust and willingness to be vulnerable.

Relief, liberation, developing capacity for effective communication, and increased trust and intimacy are just a few examples of how talking about these issues might improve one’s personal life. The necessity for these conversations is not simply to increase personal wellbeing however. Due to the current cultural moment—the ongoing outpouring of sexual assault allegations, continued conflict over a woman’s right to choose, and a sitting president who has openly admitted to sexual assault, and other alleged crimes of sexualized violence—we are certain that the general level of conversation surrounding sex and sexuality is inadequate. We imagine and propose that a cultural shift toward greater maturity, sensitivity, compassion, and ethical, equitable relationships is well within the realm of possibility. We believe that increased conversation and education is the first and most important step.

It is towards these goals that we propose the following paths toward liberatory relationships:

WORK TOWARDS CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE

We appreciate that this suggestion may be totally obvious. Self-acceptance also may seem an illusive state of being for many of us trying to work through shame or negative self-esteem. This is difficult work, but ultimately it’s the most effective form of self-care. Remind yourself that taking time for self-reflection and cultivating self-acceptance are also acts of love for your community. When you demonstrate centeredness and peace within yourself, you become a possibility model for the people around you.

To begin, we suggest simply that you behave in ways that normalize your own life. This work is about getting comfortable enough with yourself so that you’re not embarrassed or ashamed of your choices or desires. When you describe yourself, your choices, and your relationships, describe them with joy and appreciation. Practice this first with friends and trusted allies, then with others. Remember that everyone has some part of themselves, or something in their life, that they feel is unacceptable. Being open and vulnerable might just give them the permission they need to talk about those parts of their lives with you. When you speak, take a moment to pause and breathe, so you can come to a physical state of centeredness that will infuse your words. Proceed with honesty and openness from there.

WORK WITH A SEX-POSITIVE, IDENTITY-AFFIRMING THERAPIST

Regardless of your gender identity, sexual orientation, or sexual preferences it’s essential that any therapist you work with is 100% supportive and invested in making your personal choices work for you. (We assume here that cultivating ethical relationships and practicing enthusiastic consent are values for both you and your mental health provider.) When looking for a therapist, we suggest seeking someone who is well-versed in intersectional feminism and is queer-affirming. Whether or not you identify as queer, this is important since a queer perspective can work wonders for those who find themselves trapped in gender roles when they don’t want to be!

We love therapists who give homework and suggestions for new behaviors or activities. We also recommend looking for therapists who provide tools for beginning or engaging in difficult conversations with partners, friends, family, or loved ones. We understand that these types of therapists might be hard to find depending on where you live. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) has a large and growing database for providers across the continental U.S. A simple Google search for “sex positive therapists” will also bring up a number of therapists who offer their services over Skype or by phone.

DEVELOP YOUR OWN LANGUAGE

Asking about and listening to other people’s experiences can be incredibly helpful! Reading books and blogs, listening to podcasts, watching films, and talking with other people who are willing to speak candidly about their sexuality and experiences are all great ways to develop your own voice and language. We can learn from each other, get new ideas, examine our own biases and beliefs. We can hear our own feelings and experiences reflected and validated. There is a wealth of available resources to learn more about healthy sexuality and sexual healing. Finding community whose language you share is crucial, whether they be friends you gather with or writers you admire. That said, there are many ways to pursue your sexual liberation, and you don’t have to adhere to anyone else’s structure, terminology, or relationship culture. You have to decide what feels right for you. Included in this program are some of our favorite references. Start with one or two and see where you end up.

CHANGE THE CONVERSATION

People actually do talk about sex, a lot. However, we’ve noticed that conversations surrounding sex mostly center on bragging, shaming, or sharing clinical or fact-based information. Many conversations attempt to create impressions or project what we think people should know or feel. The kind of conversations we would like to promote are not so much about the act of sex itself, but rather about the feelings, beliefs, sensations, habits, insecurities, and assumptions that arise around sex. If you find yourself in a status- quo conversation about sex we suggest shaking it up by asking a few questions that could invite deeper reflection or different perspective. Some examples of these kinds of questions are: How did this (event, interaction, feeling) affect your sense of (personal wellbeing, confidence, security, feelings of attractiveness, or ability to relate?) Did this (event, interaction, feeling) remind you of (events, interactions, feelings) you’ve had before? If so, please share those stories. Was this (event, interaction, feeling) something that you’d like to promote in yourself for the future? Why or why not? How?

Changing the conversation is the decision to deviate from the expected route of the conversation. For example, if you’re talking to a friend who likes to brag about the sex they have, you might ask them what about these exchanges boosts their sense of self-esteem, or inquire into the health, wellbeing, or happiness of their partners. If your conversations trend towards clinical and perfunctory you might challenge yourself to talk about feelings. If your conversations are often moralistic, or if you notice many assumptions about normativity or ideas of right and wrong, we’d advise focusing instead on describing the pleasure of attraction or emotional engagement, or the appreciation of authentic expression and self-empowerment.

PROMOTE SEX-POSITIVE CULTURE IN YOUR COMMUNITY

Practicing all the suggestions above are great ways to start shifting your internal experience and immediate community toward greater levels of maturity, self- acceptance, and open-mindedness. At some point though, you may be called or compelled to reach out to a broader community. When you do, remember that although it’s important to point out what’s wrong or what’s not working, it’s just as important to actively demonstrate possibilities and alternatives, and to model new ways of being.

Model comfort, transparency, and good humor as you make your critiques and suggestions. Make space for more conversations about love and holistic pleasure. Point to the health benefits of positive sexual self-esteem (less likely to engage in dangerous or risky behaviors, more likely to get regular medical check-ups, more likely to engage in positive, healthy relationships, etc.). If you are in conversation with someone who is dismissing a behaviour, feeling, or sexual preference, etc. as non-normative, or unhealthy, try responding by sharing your differing perspective with kindness and openness.*

*It’s important to acknowledge that there are many cultural differences, even within regions of the United States, and definitely outside of the US, in regard to talking about sex. We understand that in many situations personal health, safety, or other negative consequences may mean that our suggestions are not advisable in the moment. Please use your best judgement about when you feel safe and brave enough to try out these suggestions.

Score for two women with a fishbowl

Materials needed: White garments, fishbowl, gallon of paint.

Two women perform this piece in a busy public square, preferably during a time of day with heavy foot traffic, and always outdoors. 

Arrive dressed in white, head to toe. Select a location to stand that is paved with concrete, brick or other stone-based material. Place the fishbowl on the ground and fill with paint. Place your hands on either side of the fishbowl until the pressure between them allows you to pick it up. Move your bodies closer and closer together, being very careful not to drop the fishbowl, until the pressure between your torsos can hold up the bowl. Remain in this position until fatigue results in dropping the bowl to the ground and breaking it. Exit the square. Do not clean up.